|
| "Sometimes you just have to erase the messages, delete the numbers, and move on. You don't have to forget who that person was to you, only accept that they aren't that person anymore."
i always post when i begin to see my life from a new perspective. i've always dreaded change, feared moving on, letting go... the whole nine yards. but with graduation in a month and a new life waiting for me in california, this time i'm embracing it. there is some comfort in knowing that i won't be going through change alone anymore, some comfort in the permanency that zach has promised. but didn't they all promise that? it's not that i expected the people in my life not to change, maybe it was naiive of me to think i'd be able to hold on to at least one relationship from my past. maybe it was my age at the time that told me promising to be there for someone meant being there forever, or maybe it was just me. did i push everyone away?
Looking back on the last four years of my life.. looking at where I stand today and where I stood then, the biggest change is within myself and maybe that's why not a single person remains. Regardless, i accomplished more than I ever expected to. I found my TRUE self in college which is what I set out to do... I shook off the insecurities and dependence that my childhood brought on. College was one big leap of faith, every step of the way. Delta Gamma, ending things with Corey, my first apartment, modeling and pageantry, choosing to trust and learning to love again, admitting my passion and not being afraid to fail. I learned my own self worth and realized that the my world has no limits. I embraced the control and power that I gained over my own life, and stopped letting my past get in the way of my future. College taught me more than I ever thought possible... but most importantly that life is about taking risks and saying yes, even when your scared.
onto the next!
| | |
| Today I got some BIG news from my sister. She's pregnant again! She's been off the pill for a while so we were all kind of expecting it but none the less surprised when Bella called me screaming a baby was coming. I thought for a second she was being attacked but quickly realized what her high pitched little voice was saying. I'm very happy for Tia, Yeyo, and most of all Bella. She deserves to have a sibling close in age and I love that I will get to be an aunt to another precious baby come October. I also love how close my sister and I have become this last year or two and I'm glad that I have someone I can confide in and relate to when it comes to understanding our tricky family dynamic.
It's already February 6th, and I'm severely slacking on my new years resolution which was to appreciate more and give back to the community. I haven't volunteered anywhere or even donated a dollar. So no better time to start now I suppose.. along those same lines I'm hoping to begin cutting back on the mundane materialistic things I spend so much of my money on. Including *gasp* for the first time since I was 15, nails. My 2011 resolution was to quit biting them once and for all, which had been a struggle for me since oh i got teeth. It was a disgusting and dirty habit that i'm proud to say i've quit for good and haven't turned back all year. However, in order to quit that habit my nails had to be freshly manicured and painted at all times and so I began getting the "gel" wonderful yet expensive new nail polish. I'm hoping i'm in the clear and can start saving some dough and painting my own nails. Because realistically i'm the only one that can tell the difference between a 30 dollar manicure and the ones I do at home for free! So starting after friday (since i promised i'd take my sister to get one for her birthday), manicures are only for special occasions :] i don't think i could ever cut them out completely!
Other than that life is great. I've been super busy and traveling a ton. I'm competing in another pageant coming up in March which was also the result of my resolution. It's for Miss Arizona United States, and it's a charitable and philanthropic focused pageant which it why i decided to do it and not Miss USA again. I'm hoping if I win, or even if I don't it will open my eyes and allow me the opportunity to give back and become more involved in the community. It would pad my grad applications nicely to posses a state title during interviews too so cross your fingers :]
| | |
| Our 3 year anniversary is coming up. i've been with zach for 3 years... which is roughly the same amount of time i spent with corey back in the day. early on i was worried it was me, i was so afraid to fall out of love the way i had before. I kept thinking that eventually i might end up not loving zach the way i had seemed to quit loving corey, so quickly... luckily tho everyday i wake up and love zach more than I did the day before. i've been thinking alot about marriage lately. marriages seem to fall apart so easily these days. i don't doubt my feelings for zach. and i go into our relationship and any relationship i have so logically. I know we will have rough days rough months, maybe a tough year. but is it logical to think that love will conquer all? don't all divorces start with two people as madly in love as zach and I are. What is the difference between failed marriages and successes. Is it the original feelings? doubtful.. it's probably something along the way. something that goes awry. and so so many couples cheat on eachother.. and for what? how do you prevent that? loving someone more won't stop them from cheating. so how is that under my control? I'm not saying I think Zach would ever cheat. I actually couldn't even imagine him doing anything to hurt me, but isn't that how most people feel before they find out their significant other has? marriage doesn't guarantee happiness and security. idk.. just a thought. a negative one i guess. but right now, in the moment i'm so blessed and lucky to have zach still in my life and i couldn't imagine not having him around each day, ever.
on another note.. life it still pretty amazing. 21 finally, and no longer stressing each weekend about fake id's and mic's. my last semester of undergrad just started, and i absolutely adore kyle. he's keeping my baby hungry thoughts at bay.. hopefully for long enough to complete my masters. San Diego in a year. still struggling to find a group of girlfriends I can really count on... but what else is new. I actually love spending time with Becky, baby or not. we have more in common than most girls i meet. i'm happy, and enjoying life. | | |
| there are so many things i want to say to so many people. "a woman's heart is an ocean of secrets" - titanic.
1 semester left of college, undergrad. seriously stressing over grad applications. my first choice accepts 8-10 people, 70 percent are at least bilingual and they try to represent as many ethnicities as possible. I speak english and i'm a white girl. my second choice is 3 times as expensive, they accept 20. i'm not culturally diverse, or even competent. I'm self involved and the only community activities i participate in is the scottsdale social scene. I don't volunteer or give to charity. I spend an enormous amount of money on myself and unnecessary materialistic things. I have a lot to make up for in the next year... but i wouldn't change a single thing about my undergrad experience. i met the love of my life and learned more from him than i ever thought possible. I may not be culturally aware or ethnically diverse but i've had more personal experience in the last 10 years than anyone i know and i'm confident that any child looking for advice would rather hear it from someone whose been there, than someone from the ukraine that speaks 3 languages and never went to public school. For the first time ever i'm realizing how important it is to me, to have a successful career. My marriage will always come first, and my family before my career.. but for once i'm passionate about something other than my own life, for once i've felt a calling in a different direction.
really putting 100 percent into these applications scares me. I've never given 100 percent and failed. as bad as it sounds everything i've done recently i've done half a**. miss arizona usa, there was so much more i could've done that i didn't.. so no i wasn't crushed when i lost. DG president, i thought i wanted it for a while.. but i didn't give it my all and it slipped away but i didn't mind because i hadn't invested anything in it. i did't have anything to lose.. but now i do. i have to get in.. we're a we and my options are limited.. so i have to give it my all. | | |
| I am a college senior, about to graduate completely debt free. I pay for all of my living expenses by working 40 hours a week. This includes my health and car insurance. There isn't anything I have that I get from family. I chose a moderately priced in state public university. I started working at 15 and haven't stopped. I started saving for school at 15. I got good grades in high school and earned a scholarship that covers 40% of my tuition. I applied to almost 50 other scholarships and only got one for an essay I wrote on self worth. That one covers the rest and then some. I currently have a 4.0 GPA and will graduate summa cum laude in the spring. I live comfortably in a cheap little apartment that I found on my own. I negotiated the rent price and furnished it myself. I can't have everything I want but I hardly ever deny myself of an experience. I have a budget that i stick to. I only have one credit card that I pay completely off each month. I live below my means in order to continue saving for grad school. I've lost two cousins and an aunt to reckless decisions and my dad unexpectedly. My sister spent 3 years of her life in prison and my mom has been on drugs for as long as I can remember. I don't have a single family member older than myself that hasn't been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I never expect anything from anyone and work my a** off for everything I have. and that is how it's supposed to be. I am busy but always make time for the people I care about. I'm happy, mature, and well mannered. I'm in a healthy relationship and have never given up who I am for a boy or anyone for that matter. I don't make excuses, or let my past shape the present. I'm comfortable with myself, my body, and my life. I'm confident and sure. I am NOT the 99% and whether or not you are is YOUR decision. You are a product of your own decisions. I am not lucky, or blessed. everything I have is the direct result of an action or choice. CHOOSE THE RIGHT.
| | |
|
